| ||||||
|
May 31, 2011 You Guys Are Like Catsup! A Value-Added Approach  April 1, 2011 Mystery of IED Solved From: The You-Can't-Make-This-Stuff-Up Dept. Feb-U-Wary 2011 DR & Miss Mary Sing Underwater We're All Just Comin' Up For Air October 19, 2010 Dr. Easy's Wallapalooza B'day Bash March 5, 2010 The Soloist The Story of A Real McCoy March On, 2010 Toys Is It Bigger Than A Breadbox? |
June 31, 2005 According to the Constabulary Commission of South Berkshire County, an elderly televison set was found murdered by the side of a well travelled country road on the eve of June 31 by a speed walker from New York City. The television, an early 70s faux-wood GE model, left few clues as to why it was there or where it came from. Constable Ron Stable told this reporter that the NYC speed walker, B. Lister, had just arrived in the area around 7:30PM after leaving the city at 1PM at a brisk pace. "It was such a nice day that I decided during my usual lunchtime walk to blow off work at the SnoCone Factory in Queens for the rest of the day. I just kept walking and before I knew it, I was on this country lane in the Berkshires. I smelled something like hot ozone and then nearly cut my foot on broken glass. THAT put my walk to a grinding halt! There was broken glass, diodes, dials and shards of cheesy plastic everywhere!", Blister said. Constable Ron Stable says that no arrests have yet been made although they do have a suspect they've been questioning. In his customary breaching of confidentiality, Constable Stable identified their prime suspect as one Dr. Easy. It seems that Easy lives a short distance from where the TV was found and while there were no witnesses to the alleged murder, interviews with neighbors combined with the Constabulary Commission's own sneaky investigations have turned up clues that seem to point right to the Doctor. "That big ol' GE was hurled in quite the trajectory from a great distance. We can't imagine anyone being able to carry it too far away from its home in order to commit this heinous crime. Hell, that GE TV probably had lots of life left in it. They don't make 'em like that any more...everything's all shiny and flat now, and bigger'n a Hummer. Who would want something that huge in yer living room? Well, maybe I might." observed Vice Constable Cranque as he sorted through the rubble and detritus at the scene. Constable Ron Stable told reporters that the dust and dirt on the old TV was "almost an exact match" to the dust and dirt samples taken from Easy's home. "And the telltale blank spot on the shelf of his home entertainment system speaks volumes. It all points to Easy." TamPro Journal was able to obtain a short statement from Dr. Easy before he was whisked away to the Constabulary's Great Boringtown headquarters & holding tank for further questioning. Between savage bites of toasted egg bagel and swigs of lukewarm coffee, Easy lamented: "I am a simple analog man in a digital world. You tell me why I would want to harm one of my old analog friends like that stalwart GE-TV? I didn't do it I tell ya and I ain't seen nothin'. In fact, I was over to Harry Chestwig's house drinking GatorAde and playing GuitarHero -now THERE'S a digital guy - and listening to his Bjork record collection...she's so tiny and cute, don't you think?" When this reporter asked about the 'Kill Your Television' bumper sticker displayed prominently on the back of his old, sagging pick-up truck, Easy retorted, if not a wee bit defensively, "I needed something to cover up some nasty rust and that bumper sticker was all that I had at the time. It's been on my Fender for years now! So what?" Miss Pell, a neighbor who says she is close, but not too close, to Dr. Easy, told this reporter that the Doctor was a "nice guy but sometimes could get a bit peckish, especially if he hadn't had his lunch". Miss Pell continued, "I once heard him yelling and screaming something about 'Not EVERYONE loves Raymond' and 'Why is there never a friggin' thing on! Three whole friggin' channels and there's never nothin' no how to watch! I refuse to partake of another episode of Judge Judy, or those stupid Mexican soap operas! Where's my hammer?'. Sometimes there would be crashing and electronic buzzing and whirring noises. I sorta like the Doctor but, honestly, he can be strange! Do you know if he takes any medicine?" When asked whether she thought that Easy was capable of murdering his TV, Miss Pell replied, "That's a nice tie you're wearing, fella. How 'bout taking me to lunch?" Dr. Easy was released from Constabulary custody pending further investigation and has returned to his house in the Berkshire woods. He has since removed the 'Kill Your Television' sticker from his truck and was observed dusting his furniture. It was rumored that he was looking into getting cable installed. | |||||
 |
dlminton web services design | maintenance | content management | articles | journal 413.528.6764 | dlm@dlmweb.com | XML |